Practical Proverbial, from Hebrews, 21 September 2017

Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness.  Hebrews 12, verses 9-10.

The other day I mentioned my parents, stating that they weren’t physical disciplinarians.   After my sister and I entered elementary school, I don’t remember Mom or Dad ever spanking us.   Especially Dad.   Spanking and physical discipline just wasn’t part of him.  Yet for years I thought my father was a weak man.   It was only after I grew up that I realized how wrong I was, that he was actually a good and fundamentally decent man who stood fast on principles.   Dad ‘shook off’ a lot because, if it didn’t interfere with his principles, then it didn’t matter so much.  But he rarely gave an inch when his principles were called into question.

One of those principles was that a person, especially a man, should always do their best.   I never really knew the side of my father who worked in an office.   Dad was an ammunition inspector for the Army, and I don’t recall ever seeing him in the office (because he worked on Army bases where we usually didn’t go).   But I have a box full of awards from his 30 years of work testifying that he had always done a great job.   I do remember Dad working around the house, doing all kinds of home improvements.   He self-taught those things; nobody taught him how fix electrical wiring, hang drywall, or make home repairs.   When I was growing up, except for a two year period where we lived in a house that needed no work, I don’t think I could have named a weekend when my dad didn’t work hard at something.

He always did his best.

Since I got out of the Air Force 21 years ago I have worked for eight different companies (nine if you count my own in that I’m currently an independent consultant).   I can honestly say that, for most of those jobs, I did my best.   A few times I didn’t, and one time I didn’t cost me a job last year.   I felt betrayed by those people; maybe some day I’ll share the rest of the story.   But the long and short of it was that they abandoned me so I abandoned them and it showed in my work.   These days, I love what I’m doing.   I enjoy the work, I really enjoy the team I’m working with and the ones I’m leading, and I am energized at the challenge of the task.   It’s a pleasure to do my best.   When you think about it, I wouldn’t be where I am in this job if “those people” last year hadn’t launched me along the trajectory I’m traveling today.   That’s something to be thankful for.  See what happens when you do your best?

Have you considered that God is doing His best as well?   Moreover, He’s doing it for you, on your behalf, for your good.    God made you legitimate.  He bought you back from the consequences of your sins and set you on a better path.  He gave His Son for you.  He gives you food, air, water, shelter, other people, and love and you don’t have to do anything to deserve them.   You and I are on God’s mind 24/7 even when He isn’t on ours.   Have we really considered that God does His best for us every day, even when we refuse to notice?

It seems so easy to question God when things aren’t going well for us.   It seems so easy to curse His name when we’re up against the wall, or when we don’t get what we want.   Yet have you considered that these are times when God allows (or brings) adversity into our lives to refine us for better things?   I know this is true in my own life, and it hurts when it happens.   But things always turn out for the best eventually.  God gives us only what we can handle and asks us to handle the negative things only so that it will lead us back to Him somehow.   Through them all, He still provides those things mentioned above whether we are in want or in plenty.

God’s a father like me, like my dad.   He gives us His best in all things.   It’s a trustworthy, true thing to believe, to make the bedrock of your life.  Today would be a good day to make sure we do the same for others because of Him.

For further reading:  Numbers 16:22, Revelation 22:6, Isaiah 38:16, 2 Peter 1:4.

Lord, thank You for doing Your best for me.   Your best is simply You because nothing is better than You.

 

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Practical Proverbial, from Hebrews, 17 July 2017

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.  For in just a little while, “He who is coming will come and will not delay.”  Hebrews 10, verses 35-37.

Persevering is tough; duh.

I’m entering the third week with a new job, and it’s a true blessin.   In reality, all work is a blessing, but it’s even more noticeable when you get the rare opportunity to go back to a place where you were successful before.   Both my wife and I were out of work for just over a month yet that’s ending.   As mentioned, I’m starting my third week.   As of this morning, my wife is also starting a new job.   God has been so good in so many ways, and at the (hopeful) end of unemployment, I’ll confess that it was only through persevering in God that we were able to make it through.   Because we did persevere in Him, He’s rewarding us with new opportunities.   Not because of our perseverance, but because of His grace.   All we did was trust Him.  Yet I’ll admit it was tough.

Living can indeed be tough.  Just this morning I saw a picture on Pinterest of a Revolutionary War veteran.   Yes, you read that right:  a photograph of a veteran of the American Revolution.   In fact, he was the last veteran.   The photo was taken in the 1860s of a man named Daniel Bakeman, who died as the last veteran of the American Revolution on April 5, 1869.   If you search on the internet, you can find pictures of other Revolution veterans as well.   By the time photography was invented, they were already very old men.  Yet it amazes me to see a picture, not a painting, of someone who actually fought in the American Revolution in the 1700s.   It’s a connection to exactly what such people looked like instead of a representation of them.  Such men lived long lives of perseverance and reaped the reward of living in a free land they had helped to build.

It’s a tough thing to persevere, to push yourself forward in faith even when things tell you not to.   God never promises us that things will be rosy when we believe in Him.   Indeed, He promises we’ll be persecuted because we’re siding with Him.   When we say we believe, we’re saying that we reject the world which rejects Him.   That’s most of humanity, and most of humanity doesn’t take kindly to having a Christian finger stuck in its eye.   Yet that’s what we do.   We do it by saying “I believe” when logic tells us not to.   We do it by thanking God for both the good and the bad.   We do it by trusting Him to live out His will in our lives no matter what happens because we know He will bless us through it.

We do it because verses like 35-37 tell us to.   Because they point us back to the truth that faith in Jesus is rewarded personally by Jesus.   It isn’t rewarded with a new job; it isn’t rewarded with long life after a long war.   Faith in Jesus doesn’t make you wealthy, or prosperous, or worldly, or famous.   All of those things may or may not happen to you, but if they do, they’re blessings from Jesus and not the singular consequence of His grace.

You know where this is going.

Faith in Jesus results in Jesus in your life.   Jesus in your life results in forgiveness of the guilt of your sins.   It results in you being made right again with God:  something you and I can’t accomplish on our own.   Jesus in your life results in you being rewarded with living forever.   In a little while, He’ll keep that promise to make it true in physical fact.   Right now, He’s already kept it because He’s already done the work to make it happen and you’re already a part of His eternity now.   For the rest of your life here, you can live knowing the Creator of the universe personally knows, loves, and wants you for His family.   When this life is over, you get to be with Him forever and see Him face to face.  In the mean time, He promises to abide with us as we struggle when life gets tough.

Would you rather have peace now and later or a new job and a long life?

For further reading:  Ephesians 3:12, Romans 5:3, Hebrews 12:1, James 1:3, James 4:12, James 5:11, 2 Peter 1:6, Hebrews 6:15, Hebrews 9:15.  Matthew 11:3, Revelation 22:20.

Lord, You bless me in so many ways.  Thank You for Your gifts of peace and rewards.

 

Practical Proverbial, from Hebrews, 19 June 2017

Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you endured in a great conflict full of suffering. Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. You suffered along with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions.  Hebrews 10, verses 32-34.

Is this calling us to actively give up our possessions?  Is it telling us to be content in all circumstances, even when we’re being mistreated?   Actually, yes it is.   It ISN’T saying “be happy about it.”   God doesn’t tell us to enjoy suffering.   But He does tell us to put our trust in Him alone and be content with Him because He is more than enough to overcome any suffering.  He doesn’t promise Easy Street:   He promises to abide with us on any street.  Is this also telling us to turn the other cheek?   Again, yes it is.  When suffering happens, we should focus our joy on it’s true source, Jesus.   Instead of focusing on hurt, to stop the ‘bleeding’ of our suffering, we should focus on He who is with us even to the point of turning the other cheek to the one who is making us suffer.

A few days ago, my Billy Graham devotion reminded me that “joy” doesn’t equal “happiness” as the world defines happiness.   Brother (and sister), I understand this.   I’m sure you do, too.  Without divulging too many whines, my family is going through a difficult time.   For the moment, my wife and I are unemployed.  Just as He did the last time we went through this, God has a plan in all this.   To be honest, we don’t know what that plan is right now, but we do trust Him and His daily provision.   We’re still eating; we’re still breathing; midnight to midnight, we are still above the dirt.   Everything else is a gift from Him, even the struggles.  We pray the time will be short, and we’re blessed to be able to use it to do things that need to be done here on our farm.   God is good all the time and all the time God is good.

Yet it can be a struggle to see happiness or joy in this.   “How could it” you might ask?   “Dave, you’re on the unemployment line again; you expect to be happy?”  Happy no, joy yes.   Every struggle, even unemployment or financial struggles, is an opportunity to make a choice for Jesus.  The verses aren’t saying that my problems will disappear.   It’s only saying that my unseen baggage from them can when I fix my eyes and hope on Christ.  If nothing else, why not ease that emotional burden?

And let’s get real:  the author of Hebrews wasn’t talking about a First-World situation like unemployment or paying your bills online.   He was talking about struggles like being tortured in Roman prisons.   About living in a world with astronomical infant mortality, real starvation, life expectancy of 45 years, and a host of other problems that most of us can’t fathom.   The first audience for verses 32-34 was comprised of people who lived in the primitive first century nations of the Mediterranean.  He was telling them to put all their trust, their hope, their everything on the shoulders of Jesus and let Jesus take the heat.   The author was telling his reader to rejoice in Jesus even when the branding iron struck your flesh, or you were kidnapped to row in a galley, or your family was sold off into slavery because you couldn’t pay your debts, or when they nailed you to a cross.

My puny problems pale compared to those things.   If our ancestors could trust Jesus through things like that, I can too.

I’ll admit:   it’s a struggle.   We are having to ‘skinny down;’ going through possessions, putting our farm up for sale, applying for jobs (literally) all over the world.   It’s hard to face being let go and rejected; it’s hard to face doing without things you’ve worked for or desire.   It hurts to go through this.  Jesus understands that.   He’s with us during these times and is calling us to put our faith in Him.  When the tough times are past, the lessons He’s teaching us today will come in handy.

For further reading:  Hebrews 6:4, Philippians 1:29-30, 1 Corinthians 4:9, Philippians 4:14, 1 Peter 1:4-5.

Lord, help me to trust You in all things.   Forgive my weakness and how I’ve failed You.   I trust You in Your teaching, Your provision, and Your discipline.

Practical Proverbial, from Hebrews, 16 May 2017

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10, verse 23.

If you’ve read this blog for awhile, you know that I recently started a new job.   My previous company laid me off in December.   Now, I’m 50 and have been working in one capacity or another since I was 16.  This wasn’t the first time I’d been rolled off an account or even laid off a job.   Yet this has been the first time that my confidence has been rattled to the core.  I started a new job 3 months ago and, by all measures, it’s going very well (I’m leading a great team of really talented people).  Yet I’ve become ultra-sensitive to perfectionism, working to try to get things just right even as I know that isn’t a sustainable goal.   For the first time in my life, I’ve encountered anxiety, even panic attacks.   Couple that with some pretty heavy depression, a bunch of other stressors, and it’s a tough combination to live with.  I’ve come to dread  every time someone from my new job calls or e-mails, wondering if this is the message where the ax falls on my neck again.  50 is a tough time in life to be having to start over.

It’s as if I have forgotten how to hold unswervingly to the hope I profess in Christ.   Except that my faith is still solid. All through this, I’ve known deep inside that God was still real.  I’ve almost instinctively known that Jesus is with me, and that whatever I’m feeling, He’s beside me to help me.   That’s proof of Hebrews 10, verse 23.   And yet I’ve still been hurting.

Earlier, I was talking with my atheist friend who, once again, chided me for believing in “space fairies.”   I replied to him that it’d be better if he got to know the One he calls “space fairy” now, in thanks and admiration, instead of later in fear and dread because he will come to know Him whether he calls Him names or not.   Again, this is something I know inside of me because I believe what God has said through His Word and through His nature & history.   Yet in a world of doubt, anger, and hurt, is it any wonder that people like atheists would reject faith they can’t see, even if the One they reject is faithful and bears real hope?

Perhaps it’s natural to occasionally question one’s faith, even as the God in whom we have faith doesn’t question us.   He is always present, always the same, always diligent, always loving.   He’s God; He can’t be any other way.   We aren’t God; we can’t be God and shouldn’t try (after all, there really are no true atheists…).  I can only speak for myself in saying that I truly believe in all God says He is and that I don’t doubt that He’s saved me.   Yet I still question where He is and His purposes when things like this job loss come to me.   I didn’t deserve it, but it happened.   It has wreaked a lot of changes, some good and many not, in my family’s life, and I question “why”.

Perhaps the best answer is still the one God gave to Job, namely that He’s God and I’m not and I should just be comforted by knowing that.   Way back in the book of Job – probably the oldest book in the Bible – God upheld the hope of His faithful servant who, like me, questioned when bad things happened without rejecting his belief in his Maker.   It’s ok to be sincere about saying “Lord, this really sucks right now.”   It’s ok to be sincere about feeling bad when things make you feel bad.   It’s ok to be sincere in saying “I don’t want this.”  Vent those feelings and share those thoughts; that’s good, even Godly.   And then let them go and come back into His fold, remembering that He gives real hope for here and now, not just forever.  He who promised it is faithful in all things and at all times.

For further reading:  Hebrews 3:1, 1 Cor 1:9.

Lord, it’s been really tough lately and I’ve been hurting, questioning why these things have happened. I believe in You, though, and I know in my heart that You are with me.   Uphold me now and continue to give me the courage to face each new day.  Thanks for what You do and who You are.

 

Practical Proverbial, from Hebrews, 28 February 2017

Every high priest is appointed to offer both gifts and sacrifices, and so it was necessary for this one also to have something to offer.  Hebrews 8, verse 3.

Think about that first statement:   every high priest is appointed to offer both gifts and sacrifices.   I’ve never been part of a committee to hire a pastor, but I know a little bit about the process.  The pastoral calling is a calling, to be sure.   But it’s also a job.  Like other jobs, you’re vetted by potential congregational employers.   You network with other pastors and peers.   You can move around from place to place, moving  up, down, and around the pastoral chain of command.   And you can be fired or promoted.   You’re called by God into the ministry, but you’re hired by people to do the job.   You’re appointed.   You’re appointed specifically to perform pastoral duties that other leaders in other careers don’t perform.

Except Jesus.   Jesus wasn’t a Levite; we’ve talked about this before.   Jesus wasn’t part of the political structure in the synagogues or at the Temple.   Jesus was taught and trained by rabbis as a younger man (so much that He was frequently called “rabbi” (or ‘teacher’) by His followers), but he wasn’t an ordained priest.   He didn’t serve in the rotation to offer sacrifices at the Temple.  No, Jesus was the high priest simply by virtue of Him being Himself.   It wasn’t that the rules didn’t apply to Him:  it was that He kept them so perfectly that they no longer mattered.

So if Jesus isn’t an appointed priest, why does He need to have something to offer?   You know the answer:   He doesn’t, at least not by virtue of His being divine.   No, Jesus offers His personal sacrifice not for His sins, which were none, but for yours and mine, which are legion.  The priests of Jewish antiquity would slay animal sacrifices, then sprinkle the blood on altars and on the people as a way to remind them that their sins were paid in full.   Once a year, he would even sprinkle blood on the Ark of the Covenant to fulfill God’s command and serve as yet another reminder of that salvation.   Jesus sprinkled His own blood on the sins of all mankind so that all men might benefit once.  Those animal sacrifices would no longer be necessary.

If you’re an unbeliever, this is the part where you’re saying “so what, big deal.”   Fair enough; yes, actually, fair enough.   Your lack of belief in the need for all this would be understandable.  Yet Jesus still offered it for you as well.   And what else He offers is something that wouldn’t have been available any other way except by the shedding of His own blood:  access.   Jesus offers access.   You reject that access if you choose to dis-believe, but He offers it too you anyway.

Jesus offers access to real peace, tranquility while living out the rest of our lives here on the Third Rock.   Jesus offers access to understanding of how belief in Him is the foundation of intellect and the purpose of reason.   Jesus offers access to the communion of saints, participation in a millennia-old following of the greatest people in history.   Jesus offers access to freedom, freedom from guilt and shame and all the negative things that can bog a man down.  And Jesus offers access to Himself, an opportunity for you to have a personal relationship with Him, one on one, so that you might share in His love and glory while giving those things to Him as His due:  all by loving other people as an expression of loving Him.   He created everything in love.   You get personal access to Him, our creator, because He offered Himself as the ultimate sacrifice for things He didn’t do.

Make no mistake about it:   Jesus Christ is the central figure in all of human history.  It isn’t Marx; it isn’t Confucius; it isn’t Mohammed; it isn’t the Buddha.   It is Jesus and Jesus alone who stands at the center of all human history, human endeavor, human thought, and human potential.   He appointed Himself to supersede and make complete the need for and history of ritual sacrifices.   And in doing so, while at the center of all that is, He offers true access to what only He can offer.   Tell me, good friend:   why would you resist that?

For further reading:  Hebrews 2:17, 5:1, 9:9, 9:14.

My Lord and my God, I praise You for offering Yourself as the only atoning sacrifice for my wrongs.   I praise You and thank You for giving me access to You and, through You, to an eternity of love.

Practical Proverbial, from Hebrews, 21 February 2017

Unlike the other high priests, he does not need to offer sacrifices day after day, first for his own sins, and then for the sins of the people.   He sacrificed for their sins once for all when he offered himself.  Hebrews 7, verse 27.

This is a comforting thought.   On days like yesterday, I’m overwhelmed.   I realize that my version of ‘overwhelmed’ right now is pretty first-world.   I’m not starving to death; I haven’t recently lost loved ones; I have a home, food, clothing, a job (which is why I feel overwhelmed), and so much more to be thankful for than anything about which I could complain.   Yet the weather outside is gloomy and rainy, and my senses are overwhelmed, mainly because of the job I mentioned.   I’m blessed to announce that I’ve started in a new full-time position just yesterday, so now I find myself struggling to get up to speed quickly.  God has provided as He always does, and I feel like I’m trying to drink from a fire hose.  I can’t remember which sites to go to for which items, the new laptop doesn’t log into the customer Citrix portal, I don’t yet know who to go to when I need help, I don’t want to mess up, and there is so much more that I don’t know about this new position than what I do know.

Boo freakin hoo, Dave, and waaaah.  I’m 50, employed, and living in America.   Snap out of it, boy, and get with the program; it’s only been one day and it takes time to get up to that speed.  Except that, even though I’m a 50 year old employed American, I still feel overwhelmed.   Yes, in time I’ll catch up and learn how things are done on the new job.   But for today it has me sort of bowled over.   There is so much to take in and I feel inferior until I do.   Even a little gun-shy having been released from my last position.   Yet in the middle of all this, there’s something important to remember:   I can do this.   I can do it because Jesus is on my six.

Did Jesus ever feel overwhelmed?   I’m betting He did, yet He didn’t spiral downward in some pity party.  He stayed true without sin.  Jesus experienced every non-sinful emotion that you or I experience.   He was fully man yet fully God.   Think about it:   He lived fully as a man without succumbing to the temptation to feel sorry for himself, or to let the world push Him in a direction that would drag him past temptation.   He was tempted, but He resisted it by keeping His eyes on the Father.  He proved a man could fully live without diving into transgression.  It can be done, even if I’ve never done it.   I’ll never be sinless, but I don’t have to be mired down by sins going forward.  That means we can overcome, we can get up to speed.

When I’m overwhelmed by things I’m learning, tasks to get done, and all the stuff that goes with starting a new job, I find it comforting that the man who saved me from my eternity of death was never tainted by sin.   His work was done the way our work was designed to be done.   We were designed to do perfect works for Him – even managing projects! – yet every one of our works since Adam has been radically imperfect.   Enter Jesus, who made right the crooked path, who lived a sinless life so that He could restore balance to what man and sin unbalanced.  He didn’t have to earn His bread, but He did.   He doesn’t need to offer up substitute sacrifices to atone for things He did wrong because He never did anything wrong yet, when the chips were down, offered Himself up as the real, not substitute sacrifice, for bonehead things that I’ve done.   Or you.   Or the pope…feel free to go down the list.

Because of Jesus, I can do this.

For further reading:  Hebrews 5:1-3.

My Lord, abide with me.   Guide me, steady me, counsel me, and teach me to be patient and to give it my all.

 

Practical Proverbial, from Hebrews, 6 February 2017

And it was not without an oath! Others became priests without any oath, but he became a priest with an oath when God said to him:  “The Lord has sworn and will not change his mind: ‘You are a priest forever.’”  Because of this oath, Jesus has become the guarantor of a better covenant.  Hebrews 7, verses 20-22.

Zero in on that last sentence.   “Because of this oath, Jesus has become the guarantor of a better covenant.”   God swore an oath on Himself.   There is no higher guarantee possible.   Nowhere in the universe can you find a surer promise than one God makes and swears by Himself.   It WILL happen.   Nothing can deny it, nothing can stop it, nothing can change it.  When God says He loves you, He loves you unquestionably.   When God says He will provide for you, He will ALWAYS provide for you.   When God says He forgives you, He completely and fully forgives you in every way He promises.  When God guarantees the better covenant of His salvation, it is permanently guaranteed.

Just last week He proved it again to me.   He didn’t need to prove it, but He did.   You’ll recall in the last proverbial how I confessed my bitterness against my former employer.  I’ve been out of a full-time job, and I’ve felt deep anger over it.   I was working part-time in a new job but it wasn’t getting us by.   It seemed like a waste of their time and mine, and I was beginning to feel despondent.  Through all of my sin, God still promised “I love you, I will provide for you, I forgive you, trust Me and Me alone.”   I never doubted that, but I also never fully surrendered to it either…until I did.

You can’t make this stuff up.  That was Thursday.   Friday morning I went back to my part-time job which had been challenging me all week.  And Friday morning I was supposed to have heard news from a recruiter, news about a new position; I didn’t.   By noon, still nothing.  It was deeply disappointing, and I didn’t want to stay with the call center.   I sat there thinking of anything I could do to change the situation, but there was nothing…nothing except God.  About 1:30 or so I finally made peace with Him.  More appropriately, I surrendered to His will.   I silently prayed “if this is where you want me, Lord, I’ll give it my all.   I’ll give it my best.   I’ll do whatever You want me to do here.”   It wasn’t what I wanted, but it was what God wanted.   He had me where He had me for a reason and He would never let me down even when He provided what I didn’t expect.  Not five minutes later, I got the call about the new job and accepted it.

Stop right here for a gut check.   This isn’t some prosperity gospel; this isn’t some “God will be good to if you only do X, Y or Z.”  That kind of thing is a lie.   God isn’t a wishing well.   God isn’t some Pavlov trainer where if you give him a prayer He gives you a treat.  God chose to bless me by answering a prayer on HIS schedule, HIS way, not mine.   He could just as well have not given me what I wanted.   He could keep me there; He could send me where He wanted to.   I don’t start the new job for a week or more, and it could indeed turn out that the new job is a bust, or a harder challenge, or a path to more unemployment.   That doesn’t matter.   What does matter is that a man surrendered his will to his God, and His God always kept His promises.   God had kept His promise even before I realized it.   He always had.  God had been providing for me all along.   God had loved me all along.   God had blessed me where He had me even before the job search started.

All that is because God swore by Himself that He would always be God.   He then proved it by sending the God-man, His son Jesus, as our only Savior and as the true priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek.   I don’t deserve it; neither do you.   We’ve never done anything to earn it or deserve it or make it happen…but God did.   He did it because He’s God.   We aren’t.

Sure, you can pooh-pooh all this.   You can say that my Indeed.com application was processed and that my new employer and I negotiated an arrangement.   You can insist it was all started as coincidental, and that we engineered the outcome we desired.   You can say those things and I’ll even listen to them, perhaps even find a few grains of truth in them.   Then I’ll tell you that my God is bigger than all those explanations.   He’s bigger than a job, or a website, or some process, or anything you or I could engineer here on the Third Rock.  God is bigger than us, or our emotions, or our plans, or anything we can conceive.   And He’s pure love.   His pure love is guaranteed by the better covenant that He Himself engineered on our behalf.

For further reading:   Numbers 23:19, 1 Samuel 15:29, Malachi 3:6, Romans 11:29, Psalm 110:4, Hebrews 5:6, Luke 22:20.

My Lord and my God, You alone are God.   You alone are good, and You alone saved me.   Thank You forever for that, and for providing for me, and for giving me what I don’t deserve.